A Letter To The White Man

Sometimes, humor rather than anger is the best response to negative stereotypes about Africa.

Dear sir/ma,

I hope this letter leaves you in good mental health. I write in response to your letter that came in last week, where you stated five important questions you would love a young African graduate like me to answer; Do Africans speak English? Do Africans drive cars? Is Africa a country or a continent? Is it true that someone in Africa starves to death every eight seconds? Is it true Africans can't have rain without the rain dance?

Firstly, Africans can't speak English; in fact, we don't know any words in the English language; whenever the need arises for us to speak in English, we just close our eyes and summon the spirit of our ancestors, who were alive during the colonial era and their spirit possess us. We just open our mouths and speak our language, and it becomes the English you hear and understand. So, no... Africans can't speak English. Ermm... how do you say "yeahhhhh!" in English? Never mind, I'll ask the ancestors.

Africans don't drive cars. We actually have two major means of transportation. For those of us who are poor, we swing from tree to tree like George of the Jungle to get to our location, and then the rich people actually ride their wild animals. For example, the rich people in North Africa ride their camels, the rich people in South Africa ride their lions and cheetahs, and then those in East Africa ride on their elephants. For those of us in West Africa, the rich ones jump on the back of their baboons to get to their location. You see, we don't have cars in Africa. We just depend on the wildlife for transportation.

Africa is not a continent. Africa is a country. Ghana, Gambia, Nigeria, Kenya, Zimbabwe, Uganda, Rwanda, Cameroon, Côté de voir, Sierra Leone, Senegal... are just towns and villages. We have 54 towns and villages and 54 Chief priests, and our capital city is Wakanda. Yeah, we understand each other and speak the same language. In fact, going from Nigeria to Ghana is a 10-minutes walk, then going from Kenya to South Africa is like a one-hour drive. So, yeah! Africa is not a continent; it is a beautiful country. Wakanda forever!. Oh! Sorry please! Wait! Africa is no longer a country, Africa is a planet! next to Pluto, and our capital galaxy is Wakanda. It's so easy for us to move from the earth and back home, thanks to our super baboons that are very magical; that's why you see us on earth with you, but we are not earthlings. We are from outer space. So, yeah! We are neither a country nor a continent. Africa is a planet Wakanda forever!

Someone in Africa starves to death every eight seconds. That's right! We've all starved to death. Every African alive is a zombie; we're all walking dead. Even as I'm writing to you right now, I'm not real. I passed away 23 years ago due to starvation. Sadly, our ancestors actually let us live our lives as zombies so that we could fulfill our dreams and goals before we cross over to the other side. So please tell your mum to support us in any way she can, perhaps send us money or something, because we are all really dying of starvation in Africa. Everybody!

Finally, rain doesn't just fall in Africa because our sky is different. So, any time we need water for our roots and herbs, which are, unfortunately, the only foods our planet gives us, or maybe water to drink. We go to the village square, where our chief priest chants while we perform the rain dance. Immediately after the rain dance, just like magic, a heavy downpour! And we use water for whatever we need it for. On a normal day, it doesn't rain in Africa; as I said, it's because our sky is different, so we really need the rain dance to survive.

I hope I've been able to provide the much-needed answers to your questions; feel free to contact me again for clarifications or further questions.

Yours faithfully,

Black Monkey.

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