Precious Martins 1 year ago
@PreciousMartin... 7 min read View all 5 comments 5 #short-stories

My Suicide Letter

My suicide letter: Where do people go when they die? I'm coming soon. To find rest...

Dear world, I lost. I tried so hard to fit in. Honestly, I tried. Money, school, dreams, family, friendships, love, relationship, and life. The things that made the world go round. I couldn't keep up, they were always so fast, and I was tired of running. The more I wanted them, the more they moved further away from my reach. Growing up, I felt so alone and lonely even in the midst of my family; I used to think I would find happiness if I could finally see the world out of my family gate. I was disappointed when I finally got out and saw how cruel the world was. It was harsh and unforgiving; it only made me feel lonelier and a burden.

Thank you, daddy, for all the scars and cane marks you left on my body. It's the only memory I have of you because you never showed me the other person you could be besides a strict father. Though they were hurtful memories that haunted me and made me so uncomfortable in your presence, I still care somewhere in this dying heart. Thank you, mummy, for all the hurtful things you said to me. They damaged me the most and made me who I am today. A damaged and broken girl. You made me realize that my presence in this world is meaningless. I would always cause pain and disappointment wherever I went. I could never please you no matter how hard I tried. I was always making mistakes. If you are right for saying all those derogatory words to me, does that mean they are true? Was I really senseless and good for nothing? And if you were wrong, why did you say those things to me? Why was it so hard to say sorry?

Thank you, my siblings, for confirming so many times that I couldn't trust you to have my back. You were always ready to throw me under the bus, not minding if I scraped my knee or bruised my lip. I always felt inferior and jealous because of how better our parents treated you all; I was the black sheep of the family even when I thought I was the least troublesome. Thank you, my family, for brewing me always to feel less of myself. I craved leaving this world since I knew how to read and write because of you. I even preferred this cruel world to stay in the midst of you all. I would rather starve outside than come home; yeah, that's how bad it is.Β 

Thank you for the friendships I made along the way. No one really truly cared, and they all left after some time. Or maybe I was the one who left; I got tired of pretending to be happy in front of you all because I didn't want to be judged. I couldn't open up and tell you how my world was a mess because we weren't even that close anyway. Why should you have to deal with my garbage? Thank you to all the boys I have ever loved and dated. You genuinely made me feel loved and, at some point, made my life a little more bearable. You were the first person to care about me, and I felt it. I was love-starved, and I clung to you a little too much because I thought I would never get such love again. I didn't deserve your love, but I got it, and I tried so hard to never let it go. But I guess when you hold something a little too hard, it slips away. Or maybe I was just so unlovable; my mum did say I was useless and could never do anything right... Lol. I loved you with all my life, and with each of you that left, a chip of my heart went along. Those first weeks when we started were my happiest days, but as time went on, I began to cry more than I smiled. I begged and tried so hard to keep you. I lost.

Life continued to win against me, and now it will win the final match. Thank you, life, for all the rejections and missed opportunities. I wanted to earn with my writing skills, but no matter what I do, I am only met with rejections, disappointment, obstacles, and problems. Nobody ever believed in my skills because I have never earned anything to show for it; they all laughed and mocked me. The more I wanted money to prove to them that they were wrong, the more money ran away from me. Or maybe my writing is really bad, my skills were trashy, and I only wished for what I didn't deserve. Was I really that talentless, or do I just have ill luck? Why could the world never see me? Was I that worthless? Is my luck so bad? Why can't I just win at something, anything? What did I do to deserve all this? Why couldn't the world let me be happy? I just want to be happy and peaceful. Don't I deserve to be happy? Perhaps not.

I heard sleep is death being shy. If sleep is how death feels like, then I don't think it's all that bad or something to be scared of. I can't stay here anymore; I don't want to fight anymore. I just want peace. To all those who would read this and think that I am a coward, I am sorry for disappointing you, but you don't live in my head to see the mess I am in and how unstable I feel. This world is not for me; I don't think I belong here. If only I could give my life to another who needs it, I would go in a heartbeat. Maybe God can help me with that... Lol. God, please grant my wish if you exist and you can hear me. Just this once. Goodbye everyone, don't worry, I'll be out of your mind shortly. Live and be happy. I pray the world favors you, unlike me. Rest in peace, self. Your broken girl.

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